Felicity's Dark Night
20 years I felt as if I had been sleeping
EVERYTHING went wrong.
I was ill, many different things happened and seemed like all at once. Someone I loved but hadn't been in contact with for many years died.
My relationship, of twenty years, ended abruptly - easily.
Looking back, there were signs to change, make better choices, but I ignored them.
My soul, the universe, said okay if you refuse to change I have no choice but to force you.
It was turmoil and so very painful as everything stripped me bare.
The novel 11:11 derived from my experiences through the dark night of the soul.
So much happened layer after layer. I never understood why. Scared, I was forced to look hard at the choices I had made in life which brought me to this point. Seek out patterns, bad decisions, etc.
The dark night almost broke me completely. I could not bear all of the emotional pain, the fear of my physical illness. I begged the universe to help me as I lay on the bathroom floor. I asked for proof in the form of an embrace to show me life was worth it...the pain was worth it. Within 24 hours, I was shown.
I guess it's why I'm writing all this. Writing for you, the pain does pass, but you have to start loving yourself. Taking care by filling your own cup of love. It's a slow process of rebuilding, but it teaches you so much.
I don't want to focus on the negative, but the positive effect of going through the dark night of the soul.
I researched 'feels' - feeling lost. Brokeness. That's when my education started. All of those wonderful websites filled with information helped me so much.
It's why I like to share this with you. You're not alone. This site is a light for you just as others were a light for me. I read peoples experiences and cried as relatable. It was healing in a way to realise that many people go through this extremely challenging time and that there was a name for it.
I was re-discovering myself after a toxic relationship. We were both unhealthy for each other. There is no blame in any form. I accepted that my choices led me to this point, not someone else's. I took responsibility.
It was humbling and freeing.
I have a beautiful loving family, with much support, I am grateful, but I did this alone. At first, because I didn't understand what was happening to me. Then, because I didn't want them to worry. I always tried to be strong for others, I never wanted them to see me weak, break...not able to handle my life situations. I always soldiered on. Not this time. I fell apart, quietly, secretly.
After the climax of the dark night, I felt lighter with everything. It felt as if every bad thing was falling away. Just evaporating.
My life started to change as I made more and more positive changes. Ones I was too scared to make before this experience. I found myself again after not even realising I had lost myself. It was a slow process - slipping away.
I immersed myself in creativity. Tarot. Spiritual subjects. Coaching. Poetry. Prose. Journaling. I painted, sketched, fell in love with creating again.
I also re-decorated my whole home on a tight budget - it all just fit into place. My home, rebuilding the foundations so that everything else I did stood upon a firm base. That's how I saw it. It was beautiful. I fell in love with every room. Three years before that I had done nothing. I was drained and felt no enthusiasm - that changed.
My second novel remained unfinished but I grew in so many other ways that I refused to beat myself up about it. I know it will be complete at some point but other things were more necessary for personal growth.
This website is a product of that change. It is so much more than one set thing.
My real name didn't matter and I wanted to recreate myself away from the novel series - it worked as a release to that commitment of being just one thing. One way of being. It's hard to explain. I didn't want my identity to overcome my creation process. Stop my expansion into other projects and areas. It's quite common that people get used to you being one-way 'set' and I'm so much more. So, for experimental purposes, to explore new creative ventures, I use the pen name, Felicity Haversham.
I think it helps because there is no pressure to be a certain way. I'm just having fun sharing the love and being me.
Since the dark night, it hasn't been easy, I've had other life things happen, but I feel these have purpose and it is just the universe navigating how to improve areas and during the reshaping, it can be taxing and stressful.
I think the lesson is how we cope with the changes life brings. What we choose to hold on to or let go of. That we are to remind ourselves that detaching emotionally, not focusing on the bad, helps us in transition. To be grateful for those better days and know that life is a cycle of ups and downs. Always changing.
Release the attachment to problems...they are passing. Enjoy the day you have. Yes, some will hurt, won't make sense, but worry won't change that. Acceptance is key to releasing the pain and making the most of what you have in the here and now.